Will they ever listen?

A sense of self-reproach was looming over me the entire morning. I just feel guilty for making the act of taking leave a habit and leaving my colleagues to grapple haplessly with the shortage of manpower. I feel like a selfish bitch.

Counting 1 day to the trip.Am I overzealous or what?! Maybe it's the insatiable yearning for a holiday. I sound like a country bumpkin. Haha.

Oh well, someone updated his blog at 2201hrs yesterday. At 2243hrs, there were close too 200 comments. What's the obsession with leaving comments? No way in the world are you going to coax me into believing that that guy reads all his comments. But yesterday's entry should act as a diery to those who have been lamenting that that guy doesn't update his blog as often as the others. True, but it's none of our concern as to when he chooses to update. It's plain stupid to update for the sake of satisfying the preying eyes of fans or establishing your presence. It's good he put some heart into the entry, but it's a huge pity that despite all the requests and pleas to simmer down on the crazed and dazed star-chasing, the results aren't showing.
At all.
Tragic.

Forget and forgo

Would you ever do something against your will just for a friend? The sacrifice... Is it worth it? Would you ever survive the heartache?

Yesterday's dinner was fantastic. (P.S: No stomachache this morning!) The discussion swerved around sharing stuff for the trip, nonsensical jokes about repetition, and our food. I guess we're all prett chuffed about the trip. It may seem short, but nothing beats an escapade out of this killer routine of mine. Sometimes, the gush of fresh, untainted air into your lungs works even better than some elixirs. I'm totally looking forward to waking up in the morning and taking in a huge breath of cold morning air and smile sheepishly to myself.Counting down 3 days!

So my words were meant to be forgotten.How appreciative.Did I expect you to forget? Partially, because I know it might be either on purpose or you just refuse to face up to reality. Playing the 'run-away' game is so yesterday. Anyway, I apologise if I made a huge fuss about it, despite the fact that I'm anticipation such less-than-lukewarm treatment.

Cure my abhorrence

I've been advised to get my butt out of the office more frequently in order not to turn into Milo Freeze. Alright, that was lame.

Sorry if I've been wallowing in self-pity for the past few hours (it hasn't even gone on to days and I'm lamenting already) because many of my peers have already received acceptance letters from the Universities. I ain't disbelieving in myself; I just can't help but think this way, because my results may not look as colourful on print as many of those witty scholars', who churn out straight A's at will. Bleah. This topic is so demoralising, I'm going to stop here.

Then I tried to be a smart Alec and ended up tripping my friend's anticipation for a better job. Sorry, Fay. I didn't live up to expectations. The disappointment for you was as great for me. Find me a wall.

I'm still piling on the lozenges as I speak. The abhorrence I have for sore throats is indescribable. They just lurve to implicate me whenever I'm having something huge on my agenda. The last time I had a really terrible infection of the throat was when FLH came to Singapore, although that was worse due to the accompanying nasal infection and fever. This one just had to surface last Thursday night, with fever and a nose runnier (is there such a word?!) than a half-cooked sunny-side egg yolk). And that was just a day before my BTT. Bovine excrement...

Looking on the brighter side, I'm counting down 7 days to the trip!!! Gambate!!!

Wrong my right

Despite struggling to keep my eyelids propped up and my nose attached to my face, I shall risk it all to update. Haha. Exaggerating.

I was in an apparent spending mood today, judging from the number of purchases I made with my card and cash. I was tempted into buying the April issue of Color with FLH on the cover by Jane (partially because I'm a huge KPO who loves to take sneak peeks into the bags of celebs). And I was beyond thrilled to find out that most of them actually own a PSP. 3 cheers for the PSP-gaming clan! Had an extremely extravagant appetite today (after downing a baked potato from Delifrance @ $8.35, fruit juice @ $3.10 and $7.30 for dinner), but I guess it's alright to maintain an upbeat mood with healthy and great food.

Bugis Street was bustling with activity this Friday night, although it was a little less crowded than I had expected a Friday night to be. After ransacking several stores and (possibly) offended a few shop owners with our blatant comments on originality, price and colour, we decided to settle on a brandless bag, with a different colour for each of us. We figured that although that fake Puma bag looked pretty original, it would never feel the same as compared to owning an original piece. Sometimes, being indifferent about brands can be a blessing as well.

As for our makan session, we contemplated looking for that very restaurant which they had makan-ed at, but in the end we got lost ourselves, drowned out by the massive crowd which poured into Bugis Street with the flicker of every green man. So we settled for a restaurant at the corner of Bugis Street called Memoirs, since they were offering a set meal at just $6.50++. The food was great, the service was never better and the staff were friendly. And guess what?! This was the very restaurant! How lucky were we! I guess God loves His dumb kids as well. Haha.

Being on either side of a thin line

Fay and I weren’t indulging in the silly answers of horoscope tests yesterday night; it was a fruitful chat with someone who seemed too keen on keeping those knotty-bitty troubles to herself. It wasn’t an emotional heart-to-heart chat, although I might have scared her off by telling her cheekily that I could have been more explicit when it comes to some stuff. ;) Haha. At the same time, I was on another convo box with NX, lamenting over something stupid. I can be reliant on others when it comes to pouring out my troubles. I need a good listening ear, just like how I can be an equally good one. And I’m blessed to have people listen to me complain about the same person for the nth time.

As usual, Fay and I were chatting about relationships and how absurd a one-sided, inequitable relationship can be. In fact, I’ve never been in a mutual relationship before; I’ve always been the one giving. It sounds really dumb, but after yesterday night, I think I wouldn’t delve into a proper relationship even if I’m presented with the chance. The sacrifices would be huge, and although I’m numb to giving, there will be things in life I wouldn’t forsake to go into a relationship. I think I sound even dumber, because you must be thinking, “This bitch hasn’t even started on the playing field and she’s already given up”. I’m not giving up. It’s just that all the right people can appear at the wrong time and do all the wrong things, or that all the people who seem right are actually wrong. Or maybe it’s just that I’m never the right one for anyone. Ha.

Self-fulfilment

The sense of accomplishment has been hovering above my head ever since I completed the interview yesterday. In fact, things in life seemed to have picked up after yesterday.

That damned passport.
You know how it feels to be really enthusiastic about a trip and go all holiday-moody, until you flip open your passport and discover that *gasp* it's expired. Thank God, that gasp from me came early, so I'll be able to get my passport by the end of next week. Anyway, I just happened to pick out this weird trend. Alright, it's so obvious it's blindly, that Singaporeans lurv to queue for things. Be it chicken rice at a dollar, Hello Kitties, that 10 million Toto draw, and even passports. Oh dear. I wonder if the younger generations, like ours, are going to catch on as well. Then the world at that time would be so full of queues, people from the Moon are going to think that we just built a few more Grear Walls of China.

That test/ interview at NTU.
Thank God I knew who the President of Iran was, or else I would have basically flopped real badly at the test. It was very "GP-ish" (like what the girl besides me told another girl), but I guess the interview would be my determinant. The professors were friendly enough to make me feel at ease, and it was more of a chat than an interview. I was probably the last interviewee, because those 2 seniors who were cracking up within their own 'bubble' with their personal jokes and all that looked visibly listless and lethargic. Alright, so that one's down.

Lending out my Math C notes.
Alright, this wasn't as significant, but considering the fact that I'm a compulsive procrastinator, accomplishing such meagre tasks can take ages. So I'm just glad I took time out to sort out my stuff, after 3 weeks.

Spotting that really cute guy.
Yes, I admit, I'm boy-crazy. I love to guy-watch, and that's a fact that even I have to cope with. So, retail therapy's really helpful after a lengthy afternoon of self-created distress, especially when that cute shop assistant pops up from behind the shelf and asks you: 'Miss, can I help you?' Alright, the dialogue was self-imaginery, but who wouldn't start to hallucinate, especially when he looks ol' so familiar?

Getting the hang of that lovely song.
For close to 2 weeks, I couldn't find the time to figure out the correct strumming pattern of 'Goodbye to You' by Michelle Branch. It's a relatively simple song, but the strumming's tricky. Youtube did me a huge favour.

Trouble troubling

Sometimes, when the waiting game takes its toil on my brittle heart, I'll need some form of emotional release. 4 years and counting, I'd say. You'd probably give me a good thrashing and advise me to move on, but unfortunately, I don't really know the meaning of that. I can't just unload this sentiments and chuke it somewhere obscure. It's so not me to do such things.
Perhaps I'm just sentimental. Perhaps I've been cut so deep on the first try that I'd rather mask
everything with a reluctant smile. Perhaps, you just need to know how i feel.

Too many things on hand to settle, so little time. Little wonder I coped myself up in the bathroom for another lengthy crying session. I'd brand that as 'self-counselling', because the motion of crying is rhetoric enough.

And I hate it when people are being too nice to me. I tend to grow on these people and become emotionally reliant on them. I don't like how I'm feeling now. It makes me feel lost whenever these people exit from my life.

And good luck to myself for the interview and test tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to conjure up some magic on the spot to score brownie points with the interviewers.

I'm still incoherent

Sounds equally unbelievable to you and I, but when I got the sms at 9 in the morning, I almost jumped out of my skin. I've been asked to go down for an interview and test this Saturday. Now I'm emotionally affected for the entire day. Great. My Saturday agenda just got longer.

Hung out at the playground until 10 yesterday, making plans for the trip and playing silly games. Haha. That's the kind of life. I wouldn't imagine life when school starts. I never wanna
experience mainstream stress again, but it's an inevitable path of life. Bleah.

Super pissed that Bayern got booted out of the CL. I'm just waiting for ManU to thrash Milan and show them who's boss.

I'm incoherent

The vision of him couldn't stop swimming in my head, thanks to Fay and that very sweet dream I had the other night. Every corner of my mind's submerged in illusions of him walking past that glass window besides my cubicle, brushing past me at the bus interchange, sitting in each and every car which drove past the buses I took... I've just fell into the bottomless pit of uncontrollable brain spasm. Someone please splosh me with ice water.

Second day working in a new environment, and I haven't exactly gotten accustomed to the people and the working procedure. Yes, the boon's that I get to knock off early, but the bane's that I've got alot of responsibility on my shoulders. The pressure's there inevitably, but I guess it'll be up to me to decide if I'm going to let it engulf me or not.

Oh great. So I'm supposed to be overseas in 3 weeks' time and my passport has to expire.

And I found it a huge pity that nice guys smoke.

Heartbreak mode

It's going to be an uphill task for me to integrate into this new environment with entirely new things to do. It's no longer the simple stuff of generating cover letters and price lists, but getting on the phone and taking orders worth a few thousand bucks. The thought of dealing with so much money sends shivers down my spine. But all in all, i;m determined to give it my all in an all-male environment to deter those unbelieving eyes.

I'm prepared to have my heart broken, anytime. There's nothing I can't undertake now.

That stroll into the stark room seemed forever. My footsteps grew heavy when I saw you, up there, on the raised platform. Your positional superiority overwhelmed me instantly. Those innocent eyes... I can never get enough. The crowd forces itself out of the door, but they didn't push me away. They couldn't. Because at that very moment, you were looking at me.

Self-reproach

I tided over the first bout of minor depression with the accompaniment of the fay and jane. I wasn't exactly in the correct mood to go shopping yesterday; i didn't want to lose any single moment with them, although ying couldn't make it. At this point of time, I have come to realise that a good friendship has the ability to buffer other anormalies in life. Problems from life, other 'friends' who give me problems, parents, family... Just being with the three of them drives all my woes away. I feel so at ease around them, although it seems as though I'm the one who's always having problems. I'm so selfish.

The self-imposed nagging is losing out to self-denial and fear of loss. I'm losing out against myself. How pathetic. I... I just don't wish to lose a friend. I've seen how friendships end this way, umpteen times, and I do not wish to become a victim of opportunity.

Contemplative

Things to feel happy about:

Tank is finally going to step on our sunny shores in a month’s time. Apparently, he’s part of the line-up of artistes performing for a charity show. I’ll love to hear him sing ‘live’. So probably he’s going to hold an autograph session as well, which I would probably give up anything to attend. This is not fanatism; I’m not going ga-ga over his looks. I simply admire his strength and courage to pick himself up after every pitfall and continue to churn up beautiful tunes as though they meant the world to him. It’s simply inspirational.

FLH’s concert in Jakarta. Seriously, I’m no longer as fervent as before. But it’s good to see them alive and well. Haha. Crude. Hopefully they’ll bring their concert to Singapore soon, but my presence will have to depend on the ticket price. Their force is just not compelling enough.
I just switched on my ‘holiday’ mode. After spending days on end dreaming up long vacations in Taiwan, circumstances have limited me to spend just a couple of days in Genting. Fair enough, since I wouldn’t have enough financial power to command a week-long shopping spree by the end of this month. Looking on the bright side, it’s going to be another ‘first time’ for the four of us. Woohoo.

I’m picking myself up. Being a victim of circumstances, I had to drop guitar lessons 3 years ago. The following years had been a standstill for me, because I halted lessons during the crucial portion of learning. Self-studying was an uphill task with no guidance, no instructor, no encouragement. I felt lousy about my stagnated form. But the painful lesson my acoustic guitar gave me last night just empowered me with the sudden rush to pick it up, just like the song ‘Wo Ke Yi’ which I played last night. It was a satisfying moment, no doubt.

When the novelty wears off, everything will be back to normal

*Yawns*
*stretches*
*glances out of the window*
*flips through the newspaper*
*flips through i-weekly*
*plays mine sweeper for half an hour*
*yawns*
*stretches*
.
.
.
.
.
.
And the routine goes on. I’m precariously approaching the verge of self-demonisation, unless someone reaches out a hand and gives me something to do. The workaholic’s greatest nightmare is manifesting.

I’ve taken to blog-surfing these few days to help myself tide over those long and dreary periods of nothing-to-do hours in the office. Yes, I still harbour a strong aversion towards ‘narrators’- people who love to blog about brushing teeth, eating breakfast, going to school, etc. These people should watch the Armed Forces advertisement – The guy watches a movie about his own life while everyone else in the theatre’s fallen asleep out of boredom – before contemplating such a bland style of blogging. Other than that, a person bored off her socks (a.k.a me) would probably be receptive of everything else.

Tree-huggers are going to put me on their ‘wanted’ list for wasting away multiple dozens of tissue paper on those flu-ridden days. I can’t help it. Even Panadol cold tablets do little to relief the cold symptoms. Looks like the skin on my nose is going to start peeling again.

I’m glad that feeling of teenage infatuation is wearing off. I ain’t that much interested in suave features or pretty boy idols after this ‘low-tide’ period. Looks alone can’t bring you very far in life, it seems. My admiration for singer-composers with substance still stands strong at this point of time, no doubt about it. Yes, I’m a little melancholic about my sudden loss of interest which I spent a substantial amount of hard-earned money on, but they and I can’t be forever young.

Searching for yourself

Maybe everyone should do this whenever they feel as though they’re dying of boredom: key your own name into the multifarious search engines and hit the ‘Enter’ key. You’ll be as amazed as me to unravel interesting stuff. In my case, other than the occasional mention of a flower which has my name embedded in it, I’ve got pet felines with my name (imagine the constipated look on my face when i saw that), that annoying Bollywood ringtone (which YF kept singing and gesticulating whenever he saw me), and it happens to be this particular unflattering term for a hippie in American slang language. Oh well. On the other hand, it actually surfaced my blog as on of the first few search results, so ya, it’s pretty cool after all. To make this activity go on for hours, try alternatives of your name (like your pet names, nicknames people gave you, etc.) and sieve through all the search results. You’ll marvel at the sort of junk and laughable stuff this thang called ‘Internet’ can churn up. Maybe a line or two from a long-lost classmate’s blog about how much he/she misses you, or a chunkful of hate entries by that arch enemy. I’m blown away.

Please, just tell me

The long chat I had with NX yesterday over MSN was flooded with emotions on my side. I've decided to take that 4-year-old out dead knot out of the cupboard to undo, but I'm still stuck. The situation's ambiguous, and no one dared to say anything all these years. I told nx about this invisible line which I'm currently treading on, and she asked me on which side of the line did I wish to stand. I seriously don't have the answer. Or to put it in a direct way, it's not up to me, but it's all in his hands. I've been trying to divert my attention away from this flower which refuses to bloom by admiring others, but this thorn will still continue to antagonise me unless I pull it out. I need a definite answer. At least, spare me of the suspense (it's taking too long) and break my heart just this once. Being the bad guy will lie in your hands, and I'm not asking for your pity or deliberately asking you to assume the figure of the villain. I've asked once, and I won't ask twice. We can still be friends, and I believe that a good friend won't want to see me hanging by a moment. It hurts me even more.