Self-reproach

I tided over the first bout of minor depression with the accompaniment of the fay and jane. I wasn't exactly in the correct mood to go shopping yesterday; i didn't want to lose any single moment with them, although ying couldn't make it. At this point of time, I have come to realise that a good friendship has the ability to buffer other anormalies in life. Problems from life, other 'friends' who give me problems, parents, family... Just being with the three of them drives all my woes away. I feel so at ease around them, although it seems as though I'm the one who's always having problems. I'm so selfish.

The self-imposed nagging is losing out to self-denial and fear of loss. I'm losing out against myself. How pathetic. I... I just don't wish to lose a friend. I've seen how friendships end this way, umpteen times, and I do not wish to become a victim of opportunity.

Contemplative

Things to feel happy about:

Tank is finally going to step on our sunny shores in a month’s time. Apparently, he’s part of the line-up of artistes performing for a charity show. I’ll love to hear him sing ‘live’. So probably he’s going to hold an autograph session as well, which I would probably give up anything to attend. This is not fanatism; I’m not going ga-ga over his looks. I simply admire his strength and courage to pick himself up after every pitfall and continue to churn up beautiful tunes as though they meant the world to him. It’s simply inspirational.

FLH’s concert in Jakarta. Seriously, I’m no longer as fervent as before. But it’s good to see them alive and well. Haha. Crude. Hopefully they’ll bring their concert to Singapore soon, but my presence will have to depend on the ticket price. Their force is just not compelling enough.
I just switched on my ‘holiday’ mode. After spending days on end dreaming up long vacations in Taiwan, circumstances have limited me to spend just a couple of days in Genting. Fair enough, since I wouldn’t have enough financial power to command a week-long shopping spree by the end of this month. Looking on the bright side, it’s going to be another ‘first time’ for the four of us. Woohoo.

I’m picking myself up. Being a victim of circumstances, I had to drop guitar lessons 3 years ago. The following years had been a standstill for me, because I halted lessons during the crucial portion of learning. Self-studying was an uphill task with no guidance, no instructor, no encouragement. I felt lousy about my stagnated form. But the painful lesson my acoustic guitar gave me last night just empowered me with the sudden rush to pick it up, just like the song ‘Wo Ke Yi’ which I played last night. It was a satisfying moment, no doubt.

When the novelty wears off, everything will be back to normal

*Yawns*
*stretches*
*glances out of the window*
*flips through the newspaper*
*flips through i-weekly*
*plays mine sweeper for half an hour*
*yawns*
*stretches*
.
.
.
.
.
.
And the routine goes on. I’m precariously approaching the verge of self-demonisation, unless someone reaches out a hand and gives me something to do. The workaholic’s greatest nightmare is manifesting.

I’ve taken to blog-surfing these few days to help myself tide over those long and dreary periods of nothing-to-do hours in the office. Yes, I still harbour a strong aversion towards ‘narrators’- people who love to blog about brushing teeth, eating breakfast, going to school, etc. These people should watch the Armed Forces advertisement – The guy watches a movie about his own life while everyone else in the theatre’s fallen asleep out of boredom – before contemplating such a bland style of blogging. Other than that, a person bored off her socks (a.k.a me) would probably be receptive of everything else.

Tree-huggers are going to put me on their ‘wanted’ list for wasting away multiple dozens of tissue paper on those flu-ridden days. I can’t help it. Even Panadol cold tablets do little to relief the cold symptoms. Looks like the skin on my nose is going to start peeling again.

I’m glad that feeling of teenage infatuation is wearing off. I ain’t that much interested in suave features or pretty boy idols after this ‘low-tide’ period. Looks alone can’t bring you very far in life, it seems. My admiration for singer-composers with substance still stands strong at this point of time, no doubt about it. Yes, I’m a little melancholic about my sudden loss of interest which I spent a substantial amount of hard-earned money on, but they and I can’t be forever young.

Searching for yourself

Maybe everyone should do this whenever they feel as though they’re dying of boredom: key your own name into the multifarious search engines and hit the ‘Enter’ key. You’ll be as amazed as me to unravel interesting stuff. In my case, other than the occasional mention of a flower which has my name embedded in it, I’ve got pet felines with my name (imagine the constipated look on my face when i saw that), that annoying Bollywood ringtone (which YF kept singing and gesticulating whenever he saw me), and it happens to be this particular unflattering term for a hippie in American slang language. Oh well. On the other hand, it actually surfaced my blog as on of the first few search results, so ya, it’s pretty cool after all. To make this activity go on for hours, try alternatives of your name (like your pet names, nicknames people gave you, etc.) and sieve through all the search results. You’ll marvel at the sort of junk and laughable stuff this thang called ‘Internet’ can churn up. Maybe a line or two from a long-lost classmate’s blog about how much he/she misses you, or a chunkful of hate entries by that arch enemy. I’m blown away.

Please, just tell me

The long chat I had with NX yesterday over MSN was flooded with emotions on my side. I've decided to take that 4-year-old out dead knot out of the cupboard to undo, but I'm still stuck. The situation's ambiguous, and no one dared to say anything all these years. I told nx about this invisible line which I'm currently treading on, and she asked me on which side of the line did I wish to stand. I seriously don't have the answer. Or to put it in a direct way, it's not up to me, but it's all in his hands. I've been trying to divert my attention away from this flower which refuses to bloom by admiring others, but this thorn will still continue to antagonise me unless I pull it out. I need a definite answer. At least, spare me of the suspense (it's taking too long) and break my heart just this once. Being the bad guy will lie in your hands, and I'm not asking for your pity or deliberately asking you to assume the figure of the villain. I've asked once, and I won't ask twice. We can still be friends, and I believe that a good friend won't want to see me hanging by a moment. It hurts me even more.