The wake-up call

I realised that while I've been fanatically following the likes of several mainstream pop singers, I still need quality music to fall back on. All this time, I've been diverting too much attention to pretty faces and ignoring what I used to love so much.'Olia' woke me up.

Our many smiles

It's tragical when you can't control your emotions. My sudden outburst of protest at CD-RAMA Orchard was totally unpredictable and un-timely. It just erupted like froth by a drunkard's alcoholic reflex, totally out of control and certainly disgusting. I need to get a grip before I fall into that chasm.

Pushing that aside, I just got a huge dose of carbos and sinful food at Sakae Park Mall for tea. That was certainly my lunch and dinner for today. Guess the for next few days I will be a stringent diet of bread and bread and bread and... Met up again for another 'laughing session' (it's a staple in our meetings) and 'Thanksgiving' (Yan was the Santa Claus). It's a different experience everytime we meet, and we never have had nothing to talk about. Another 'vacation' is on the cards, and hopefully it'll be able to materialise very soon. That'll be another 'first time' on our list.

Irrepressible habit of thorough planning

I almost got dragged into a meeting which will take place tomorrow. Phew. Apparently I didn't expect myself to do more than just administrative stuff, so when I was asked to sit in, I reacted with such shock and disbelief that (I think) he decided to leave me out. I strongly believe that if I were to attend a meeting which I have absolutely no idea what those big bosses and executives are talking about, I would probably leave a really bad impression by dozing off. Hello, I'm supposed to be on leave tomorrow, so be thankful (really thankful, to add) that I'm willing to spend half a day here to clear up any backlog you had from the previous week. No meetings for me, period.

I could very well become a Personal Assistant of some sort or a wedding planner in the future, judging from the degree of fulfilment I derive from scheduling stuff and making sure that I've got all the itsy-bitsy details put into consideration. I wanna see things run well without hiccups and smile to myself. I'm no control freak, I just like a squeaky-clean way of running things without glitches. Only if I had managed my life the same way, though.

Nostalgia

I've become a nostalgic person of late, flipping through the aged pages of my past diaries (I've got close to 7 of those) and revisiting the history pages of blogs to revive those unforgettable (and forgettable) events I've gone through so far. Some tears, some laughter, bouts of anger, sprinkles of happiness, moments of madness… I'm glad they're all archived and always there for me to go through whenever I need a pick-me-up. The losses, the regrets… I've learnt to make every moment of my life worth it by loving someone everyday, be it my parents, friends, siblings, or that very special person, as well as doing the right things at the right time. Like what he said, "There are many people revolving in your life and it's hard to differentiate those who are truthful to you, but for a fact you do know that your family's still the ones who will never lie to you." Those golden whispers of wisdom.

I had a long dream last night, and it divulged a lot about my character which was unbeknownst, even to myself. For one, it showed that no matter how much I liked someone, I would never make it known to him, especially if someone else close to me harbours the same feelings towards him. I'm just a freaking git who doesn't know how to treasure my chances well enough. Also, I realised that I'm lacking people to hug in my life. When was the last time I hugged someone? A hug is a universal language of love, a gesture which says, "I appreciate you." It's more invaluable than anything else in the world. A person may lose his/her ability to see, hear, smell or taste, but the ability to give hugs will never be diminished. A lot of people hesitate when it comes to giving/receiving hugs, partially because of the bodily contact involved. Please, for heaven's sake, unless the other party has got some infectious disease, there is no excuse to reject a hug. The warmth involved is just the exact thing which matters most.

A tribute

My makeshift PSP (NX's) works wonders. It allows me to forget my jacket (which means that I'm probably going to freeze to death in the office today) and all those things which I'm supposed to do today (which includes ordering a new air-conditioner remote control and updating my bank book and paying Uni registration fees). But well, it's useful as long as it distracts me from those baby roaches which infest the bus I take to work every day.

My aunt's retiring today, after nearly 40 years in the teaching line. She really needs a HUGE break, as far as what I can see from her worked-up behaviour yesterday. She seemed a little reluctant to leave the school (because of her HUGE garden which those students are probably going to use as a dumping ground without her around), as it's conspicuous that she still has unfinished business to attend to, and loads of students she can't bear to leave. Seriously, after tangling in the apron strings of the education system for more than 10 years, I could finally overlook this entire situation from the perspective of a teacher. No matter how hard the educator might try to push his/her students to greater heights, there will be inevitable bugbears and barriers to overcome on the teacher's part. Students, colleagues and personal matters may collide and form a dead knot which cannot be undone. I have utmost admiration for my aunt, not just because she was adamant about her job and teaching style, but also because of her extraordinary ability to devote to educating her students over the years. It broke my heart countless times to watch her mark assignments and test papers until 2am in the morning but be of little help. The helplessness I felt must have also been what she had felt at times, when students refused to comply and when assignments were done haphazardly. She had given her heart and soul to the job, but what she got were misunderstanding students and tedious attempts to compromise. We, as students, should be ashamed of outselves. Ask ourselves, when was the last time we blamed a teacher for too much work? But alas, when was the last time we openly (or even silently) thanked our teacher? So who are our teachers to us? Are they someone we'll be entirely grateful towards all our lives, or are they just "the one who makes the tea"?

Will you help me?

He finally found a direction to walk towards, no longer the rash, hot-headed boy with frequent mood swings. I'm happy as long as he's happy.

I don't really know the direction I'm heading towards. My heart refuses to give all this time, after being drenched by countless times of self-inflicted, self-brought agony and mutilation. I'm still the ultimate liar in this game, the betrayer of myself. I'm destined to lose out in this game called love. I can no longer find someone who's convincing enough to stop me from giving up on myself. I no longer possess the blind courage I used to have, neither will I find a direction out. Unless you show me how to.

I'm the ultimate tech-phob, so that's really bad news for my new love of my life, my PSP. It's the ultimate Prince Charming of all gaming devices, I'll say. Guess my King (a.k.a my Yamaha classical) and my other Prince Charming (a.k.a my acoustic)will have to take a backseat for a while.

Be my guilty conscience

I used the excuse that the bakery section to get some decent breakfast for Dad. He needs a huge pat on the back and a good breakfast to start the day with, especially when he's dealing with fussy people at work. He needs… more care and concern from us, so I guess I'll start with breakfast.

I did the online application for NUS yesterday night, leaving me a startled person the entire night, even in my dreams. Everything which seemed so hazy and illusionized a few months back is appearing evidently at this point of time. I used to dismiss the hassle of deciding and applying for a uni and course back then, but now even with a clear decision in mind I'm still largely hesistant and slightly undermined my my results. I need someone to talk to.

I'm currently contemplating purchase of another word search book. That's how bored off my pants I am at work. Yes, there were times where I'll be working my silly ass off the entire day, but the adrenaline rush I derive from work is satisfying. You can't possibly leave me alone for the entire day and expect me to entertain myself for 8 hours. That's mad.

Fay must be enjoying her trip to Japan. Her lame joke is still etched in my mind, causing me to go into lapses of oxygen-deficiency trying to hold back my laughter. Aw, we're all going to miss her. Jane, you'd better take care of her fish well if you still want a hostage… Ha.

Judging from the calmness filled with animosity after the incident, it would be natural for him to cut himself off from the outside world. I wouldn't have the guts to say that I understand him, because I don't know him AT ALL, but I know how it feels like to have people tell you to remove the stuff you wrote from your blog for whatever apparent reason there is. I've been blogging for 5 years, and I've had people tell me to clean out my blog of their names, incidents, etc. I WON'T, even if you give me all the hunks in the world. If I decide to put your full name here, you're either someone I have something strongly against or someone I totally worship. But then again, why be so afraid when you've done nothing against your conscience?

Du bist mein sonnerschein

Mum says that my laughter’s so terrible that I need to wear a face mask whenever I start to laugh. But who’s able to control their laughter while watching the special edition of KO One? I can’t, so I won’t give a damn even if my neighbour from the next neighbourhood knocks on my door.

My sis would rather spend all of 15 minutes trying to calculate how much her school would save if they were to convert to using the larger rolls of toilet paper as compared to the smaller rolls and painstakingly explain to me, who wouldn’t spend a single minute listening. Whatever.

Du bist mein sonnerschein…

Nails and tails

I'm always at a loss for words whenever I wanted to update my blog these few days, probably due to the disorganisation of thoughts and emotions. I thought it would be my turn to go on a long holiday when my contract ends next month, but the prospect of having it extended is leaving my willpower hovering between the yes and no push buttons. Several people I know are due overseas this week (for a matter of fact, my sis is overseas as I speak), so I was just thinking if it would be my turn to jet off soon. Yet reality's not to be. Plus I'm currently still a little reluctant about parting with my cash for a PSP. Give me a few more days to think it over.

And the sky's an unwilling loser, despite raining down on an unsually-cheerful me for the past 2 days. C'mon, you can't expect me to back down just because you make everything look cold and dreary. My feet may be wet, but my spirits shall never be dampened. To think Fay made a commendable attempt to tell a joke when I messaged her to ask if she's finished packing for her trip today (that lucky girl).

Me: What are you doing on a rainy day like this? Finished packing?
Fay: No I'm still fretting over those uni things… Dono how to write personal statement… Ya lun's big bro's waving hi to us now
Me: Aiyo those uni stuff I can't help much le. But he only has a sis right? I'm confused. *scratches head*
Fay: It's raining heavily… Da yu… He's xiao yu right… So his brother lor
Me: *freezes to death*

Ya, right…

And I'm probably going to re-do my nails. I've managed to maintain them far longer (2 weeks) than their expected lifespan (1 week), but they're starting to show signs of chipping off at the edges. *Heartache* My uncle was suggesting that I do nail art as a part-time job the other day. Haha. Nobody believed that I did both hands all by myself, as much as I didn't believe it myself. I mean, you can't expect things to turn out too beautifully if you were the one painting your names opaque white at midnight and trying not to nod off after a hard day of work. I did think about it, but I'm not exactly a fan of fanciful (not to mention bimbotic) embellishments of crystals and feathers on my nails, so I probably do it for others. However, I'm willing to do it FOC for close friends if they do request for it. I love making people happy.

Please move on if there's nothing much

I came into the office in the morning with a new-found sense of hopelessness. Other than the many complexities in life which are still bombarding me, I still have to wad knee-deep in office work and troublesome procedures. I guess I'll be uber grateful to get back to campus again.
We chatted a lot yesterday night about our future love lives, taking turns to ask and answer questions. It's apparent that the 4 of us are still very much unlike of one another despite hanging out together for to long, and that's a good thing. At least we had not deviated from our own principles from the start and have in fact started to embark on the road of self-discovery and self-realisation, be it treacherous or not.

And then it hit me: he hasn't given me a definite answer, even after 2 years. And it's important to me because I wouldn't want to hang onto a non-mutual feeling. We're all adults already, so I guess we should at least make everything clear. It's true that I haven't been thinking much about this over the past 2 years due to studies, but it's judgement time now. So please spare me if you think we can't go beyond being friends. Then I'll really move on wish you all the best.

I did try

I realised that no matter how hard I try, not everyone will recognise and acknowledge my way of doing things. The reality hits hard, especially when those who are close to you are just somehow dying to keep you out of their lives intrinsically.
I tried. I tried.

I did.

I just didn't succeed.

Never mind.

Beautiful disaster

I've never been so flustered all my life, not even during the major exams. This time, it's for real. Where to go, what to do, how to apply, when to apply, etc. Being worked up has its limits, and I think I'm already spilling over. But no matter how much adversity I'm going to face on the road ahead, I'm prepared to take it on without holding back. I'll give my everything.

I'm still having an internal with my wallet, negotiating a deal that will make me happy without excavating its bottom. I'm definitely keen on the PSP, but I'm yearning for a discman. But the situation on hand's… weird. PSPs are everywhere, but there's no sign of a presentable discman. What an irony life is.

And I finally found "Dulce et Decorum est". It's a secondary school literature piece, but I just had this sudden urge to find it and keep it permanently with me before the garang guni man gets his hands on it. Beauty and anguish of literature. How tragic.

My PC's been ressurected for the nth time. Hopefully, it'll stay this way.

Sushi for thought

Hopefully, the guy who's coming over to repair the computer is going to do a presentable job, or else I'll be more than just glad to provide knuckle sandwich for lunch.

The family's still spending too little time together. Dad's essentially busy 24/7 (literally, I'm not kidding), Mom's always spending more time on her bath than on TV (as mentioned in my previous entry), those 2 prats are either losing sleep over studies or sleeping too much. I'll give anything in the world to make these people stick together for just one entire day, seriously.

I couldn't keep my eyes and hands off NX's PSP yesterday night. I thought it was just technological infatuation, but the PSP just kept seducing me everytime I walked past one of those electrical stores. So yes, I'm working towards owning a PSP. Sorry though, but I won't be getting the pink version because the bimbo in me repels bimbotic technology.

Anyway, yesterday night was fantastic (except for the incessant gorging of sushi and soft shell crab maki). It was a pleasant reunion for us after all that slogging in school. NX was attacking the large slices of fresh salmon on the conveyor belt and chucking the rice to WL. Little wonder the guy nearly collapsed after the meal from starch poisoning. Plain hilarious. Love you all, and don't forget our future badminton games!

Kids

"I'm having dinner with my secondary school friends. Will be back before you finish bathing."

Message to Mum just a minute ago. I'm always making a joke out of her bath time simply because that lovely woman spends a quarter of the time she's at home and awake in the bathroom with the shower head on full blast. But I still love her. Ha.

Last Friday brought a whole lot of disorganisation into my life, because it was a mark of a new chapter of my life. I'm going to have a lot of decision-making to do in the next 2 to 3 weeks, as well as some engagements and busy weekends. Oh gosh, all I want to do is to spend more time at home with Mum and Dad, and to coach those 2 prats in their studies. I need to buy time!!!
Tears flowed freely for some on a very eventful Friday, while others rejoiced over their straight A's. No matter what the outcome is, we've got to embark on the path which we've either been directed to or found for ourselves. No use crying over spilt milk, no point wallowing in self-pity, and no excuse to bask in self-glory. That's so short-sighted. "You've got to row your own canoe, y'know," my Uncle once said.

I spent the most beautiful Friday night/Saturday morning at Fay's house, complete with yu sheng, YouTube, laughter, more laughter and even more laughter. Thanks for adding another page to our book of friendship, pals.

And I spent the most beautiful weekend evenings with 14-month-old Bryson and 11-month-old Karolyn. They're the little honey pots of my life, complete with those toothy smiles and silly antics. They'll probably be old enough to call me 'Ah Yi' in another year's time. The thought itself is enough to make me cry. Unbashfully, I love kids. My Mum and Dad must love kids as well, judging from their 3 lovely princesses. Haha. That's super shameless of me to say that.

Escape and imprisonment

I applied for leave today, but cancelled it in the end. I didn't want to run away from people who are not in the situation. I want to face up to everyone and keep smiling for them, even though I know it doesn't come from within. I don't want anyone to show sympathy for me.

I'm not as strong and accepting as I portray myself to be. I know that if I can't live up to my expectations, there's something I've got to do about it. There's a second chance to this, I know, but how many 'second chances' can you have in life? Rhetoric.

Jane said that my bad karma was for yesterday. Perhaps that was just a prelude of a chain reaction, all triggered by me. I can't help but blame myself, you know, for things happening to me, because it's ME. All the arrowheads in the mind map pointed to ME in the centre. Losing stuff, wreaking things, failure, mishaps... Wow.

Optimism never found me, I guess.

I tried to give myself breathing space, but while I was backing out like a coward from one situation, I was sticking one foot into another sticky situation. Ouch. So I'm basically having one leg on each side and a deep chasm beneath me.

It was a good thing I let it all out in the bathroom yesterday. At least I didn't need everyone to see or hear me in despair, because it isn't exactly a pretty sight.

I think I need to carry on with work.