I applied for leave today, but cancelled it in the end. I didn't want to run away from people who are not in the situation. I want to face up to everyone and keep smiling for them, even though I know it doesn't come from within. I don't want anyone to show sympathy for me.
I'm not as strong and accepting as I portray myself to be. I know that if I can't live up to my expectations, there's something I've got to do about it. There's a second chance to this, I know, but how many 'second chances' can you have in life? Rhetoric.
Jane said that my bad karma was for yesterday. Perhaps that was just a prelude of a chain reaction, all triggered by me. I can't help but blame myself, you know, for things happening to me, because it's ME. All the arrowheads in the mind map pointed to ME in the centre. Losing stuff, wreaking things, failure, mishaps... Wow.
Optimism never found me, I guess.
I tried to give myself breathing space, but while I was backing out like a coward from one situation, I was sticking one foot into another sticky situation. Ouch. So I'm basically having one leg on each side and a deep chasm beneath me.
It was a good thing I let it all out in the bathroom yesterday. At least I didn't need everyone to see or hear me in despair, because it isn't exactly a pretty sight.
I think I need to carry on with work.
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