And tonight, it's still you

It’s at times like this, when it’s not long before bedtime, that I realize the loneliness of having to fall asleep and wake up alone and cold, without you by my side. It should have become habitual; to have no one but myself to wake myself up and sing myself lonesome lullabies to sleep. And then I’m starting to find it hard to close my eyes and pretend that sleeping alone is normal. I don’t want to just see you and say goodbye to you at the end of the day, I realized; I want the hugs, the kisses, and your very existence which keeps me sane and motivated to keep myself alive and well. I want to hear your voice and feel your arms around me before I drift off to dreamland, and your morning kisses and that addictive body heat which keeps us warm throughout the night. I no longer live for myself and myself alone; I live for us, and for the future I’m holding so tightly to. At times like this, the only way to save my sanity is to let it all out, to keep those sobs silent yet strident in my head, to keep my heart from dying from the dull aches in my chest.

And tonight’s going to be one of those nights again, where I long for your place beside me, for the goodnight kiss I’ll never have until I say yes to an eternity with you. I hope I survive.