Realization...

That I can't make myself stay happy for more than 24 hours. My mood will just flop a few hours after being happy/comforted/ cheered up. I need my happy elixir within an arm's length at all times, be it the gurlies or Jack. I realised that I banked alot of my happiness on being with them instead of being with my family, and I don't feel exactly guilty about it. So whenever it's the end of the day and we've got to part ways, the sense of being directionless and emptiness would engulf me, and everything will be back to square one. I had asked Jack to take me away from all the unhappiness that I'm facing, but he deems it to be unfair to my parents. Perhaps it would only fair to take me away and relieve me of all this pain which hits me whenever I reach home. And I foresee that all this anger will just continue to sow its evil seeds across my emotional lot, and suck me into the spiral of anger. And I'm allowing myself to sink deeper, amidst all the positiveness I've been rattling on about in the past. I guess people change, only in my case it did for the worse.

And tonight, I'd have to bluff myself to sleep.
That I'm not upset that you had your way with that excuse.
That I didn't mind that insane girl brushing her hand across your arm.
That I didn't mind waiting at the bus stop at 11.49pm.
That I didn't want to help with the kitten.
That I didn't mind getting a lecture from my uncle.
That I didn't mind the sky raining on me after washing the car.
That I want to wake up early in the morning and torture myself to death on the running track.
That I'm absolutely happy after Jack's comforting.
That the results are not worrying me.
That my mum is right.
That I'm looking forward to the family dinner tomorrow.
That I won't mind not going out tomorrow.
That I won't mind not meeting Jack for 4 days.
That I won't cry myself to sleep tonight.