Swear I could have cried no less

From me:
Hi chenwee this is chou. Sorry to send the e-mail so late cus i just logged on today. I know i owe you more than just a couple of apology and favours and reasons and answers.
First, i'm truely sorry bout the toilet incident cus i know it did bring alot of discomfort and displeasure staying at your house. I really wanted to clean up the whole mess on Saturday but you guys were going out and i had to rush to my guitar lessons. i'm truely sorry and i deeply regretted it.
And I do owe your family an apology too. Really sorry about it that you got scolded by ur ma and your sis. i guess there's got to be something that i could do to make up to it. I dun mind getting scolded by your family cus i think that i truely deserve it so if they really wanna give me a railing just tell me. Lastly, if your toilet is still that dirty, you can ring me up to ask me to clean it. Last but not least, sorry for my irresponsible act that got you into such deep shit. P.S: I dun mind cleaning your whole house for ya. Just open your mouth and tell me.
from chenwee:
heh...actually it was nothing . i was just overreacting lah...dont take it to heart...it was quite fun having to clean up the toilet...about the toilet thing i have already forgotten about it already lah...don't take it to heart....U R NOT AT FAULT LAH!!!
ok????

When I received this e-mail this afternoon i almost burst into tears myself and didn't believe the world anymore. I thought he would say something like "You better do what you promised", not something like "I enjoyed cleaning the toilet anyway". I swore I could have lapsed into depression that very moment cus i finally realised that my only enemy in the world is myself. Even others could forgive me, yet i cannot do so to myself. I thought that all along I have been played with by other people, but little did I realise that the mastermind was me. If there was something that i could do now that would be to say a big sorry in front of chen wee in person cus I owe him more than i can repay. I AM TRUELY SORRY

Trashing day

Haiz… The holidays are finally here. No need to put up with quarrels and spills and all that kinda stuff anymore. Was just rummaging through my computer when I dug up some real interesting dialogues I had on the MSN and as I read through, I feel so… stupid. Stupid for quarreling over such minor stuff. Stupid for thinking that I was the wrong one. But I was, for a moment. Since the class camp is coming, guess I’ll use that as a summer holiday before enjoying my St.John camp. Ooh, it’s raining. The sky looks the prettiest when it rains. If only it’d rain everyday, from morning till night. Totally looking forward to the future. All the fun, enjoyment, and I no longer need to hang myself on ends with spastic stuff.

Crazy stuff

LOL... today we went to the Kranji War Memorial and it was a sad, sad place to be... And the scariest part was I was telling Jie that 'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely' is the best song to fit the place. And when we got back onto the bus and i switched on the radio, it came on... Spooky...

4 days to Nick's album!!!

Listen for Love

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really, these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'

We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are expressed insincerely.

An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different. Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.

A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.

A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. "I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.'

We say I love you in many ways - with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely.

We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not listened to the love we have tried to express. The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love. The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry. We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize. Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place after all. LOVE is a happy thing.
It makes us laugh.
It makes us sing.
It makes us sad.
It makes us cry.
It makes us seek the reason why.
It makes us take.
It makes us give.
Above all else it makes us LIVE.

It is not the presence or absence of people that makes the difference because a person need not be lonely even if he is alone. Sometimes it is good to be alone. But that does not make us lonely. It is not a matter of being present WITH someone. It is a matter of being present to someone. So remember... If you love someone, tell them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets.

Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway.

A spastic poem for all

Lol... people are using my guestbook as a message board..how hilarious... FINALLY saw the guitar of my dreams... lovely lacquer covering with beautiful grain pattern... got some real spastic stuff to share...
Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...
> >> >
> >> >Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
> >> >Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
> >> >One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.
> >> >Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'
> >> >One moment like brothers, can give and take.
> >> >Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.
> >> >Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,
> >> >we all also feel very very sad.
> >> >Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!
> >> >They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'
> >> >
> >> >So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
> >> >We also join the army so that we can fight.
> >> >We don't care others 'see us no up'.
> >> >But actually inside we very pain in the heart.
> >> >Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.
> >> >Now others talk about us also got some respect.
> >> >They scratch their heads and say
> >> >'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'
> >> >
> >> >Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
> >> >Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.
> >> >Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
> >> >He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.
> >> >But some people look at us also not happy.
> >> >Actually they jealous don't want to say only.
> >> >So every time their country got something wrong.
> >> >They all say Singapore's behind it all along.
> >> >Everybody know we water no enough.
> >> >They turn off tap only we all cannot last.
> >> >
> >> >They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
> >> >Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.
> >> >We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
> >> >Wah liao, they think we small can makan!
> >> >But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.
> >> >We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.
> >> >But their own economy now all go bust.
> >> >Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.
> >> >Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
> >> >Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.
> >> >
> >> >They say we all only one small red dot,
> >> >like the center of a big dartboard.
> >> >Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
> >> >that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.
> >> >But we all still send them a lot of rice.
> >> >Show the world we actually very very nice.
> >> >Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.
> >> >But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.
> >> >I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.
> >> >That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell
> >> >Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
> >> >that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup
> >> >I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -
> >> >Size small small but still very very hot.

Is it Saturday yet?!

lol, I was reading through my past entries and i came to the one with the letter...looking back, i think i'm so naive an dumb.haha...

Frankly, when i said i was ok, i was not.I cried for a total of 1 week in a row and was in a sh!t state of depression.My mum thought i couldn't take my test marks, so i left her with that.But now it's totally no use cus he isn't speaking to me anymore and i don't have a chance to anyway...even if i di so by approaching him and speaking to him he won't give a heck about it and thinks that i'm see-through...

I've had enough for a few months and now it's PARTY!!! Yeah!!!!! then that a yeo also so K-p-O... but seriously if he is KpO enough he will go ask Kah Teng or Dingzhi about it...then he'll see the biased part of our beloved class chairman...
The guys and gals are just out to get us...They'll do absolutely anything to leave us out...Hmmm...but not anymore!!! Cus they're just showing that they're some crap business which goes around provoking people...

Wah Liao...then today still got public duty at Clememti Stadium...The stupid bunch going to play badminton...they spoke so loudly yesterday that they apparently told the whole world...

St John Day is here again!

LoLz...Today is St.John Day.We had a food fair during recess and I was the first to sell out all my stuff.(bullshit...Of course.I've only got less than 50 packets of food.)And there was so much great stuff there.

And today's Speech and Drama lesson was so unpredictable.Dingzhi was such an outstanding speaker yet the best speaker went to Alex.And the group that won should be Dingzhi's group but Alex's group won instead...haiz...

James

I hadn't had time to update my diary after the camp cuz I had my NCO camp the next day so I went to pack my stuff. The class camp was most probably the most enjoyable class camp I've ever had all my life. we went to Orchard for the Scavenger hunt (which wasn't quite successful, but who cares...)and we went to hike from MacRitchie to Bukit Timah... The best part part was the water bomb. Jie had had quite a fall but recovered after that... We sabotaged Miss Loh and Mr Chin, who joined in the fun too. :)...

Then I had my NCO camp. It was one of the best St. John camps ever... Quite relaxing except for the real fussy arrangement of stuff and elaborate changing of clothes(was that too chim?)... The best part: A real cute guy in my section. His name is James Tan and he's from Naval Base Secondary School... He's got a real funny and interesting personality and that made him very attractive. Tall built, great features and totally hilarious behavior. Couldn't ask for more.

People, you better speak for yourself

you came & you kicked out everything that was beneath me
you hurt & you clawed making me regret the day I see your face again
I can't take this anymore
you ruined my trust & my appreciation
I know you once love me but all you do is lie
trying to make me hate my friends who have my back
my heart is turn
my soul is crying
your pulling me in two different ways
I can't make outs whats right or wrong...
you said Jie is a bad friend
when its you going behind my back
talking about every little detail about me
sending out your lil spies
sometimes I hate to be around you
but I thought you needed me
when in reality you were just a stepping stone
you lied about my friends
& too my friends
do you think I would take you back??
just like that
HA HA
in your face
don't front on me anymore
cuz I can't stand your face

I am definitely not impressed by the doing of the girls. They have started ignoring Jie and me and didn’t even bother to tell us their activities. Yayun and company is obviously hiding stuff from me and Jie. Cuz we are the only ones they didn’t ask out. How ungrateful… They did not even take the initiative to ask us if we could go out with them. I cannot tolerate this any longer, for sure. I really think they’re against me(other than Jie) just because I am sticking with Jie. If that is the true reason why they are avoiding us, I don’t think we deserve it at all.They have being thinking for the past few days that I’m some of loony brute who is sticking with Jie instead of them cuz they are obviously against her. I can feel the resistance they have on befriending Jie. I don’t wish to end my Sec. 2 life drawing a conclusion that I’ve being idling around with a group of underage kindergarten children. What I want is equality. If this carry on, I can jolly well bring this up to Miss Loh and miss the class camp for good. I rather stay at home and go online 24 hours a day than to go to the class camp with a group of unfriendly people. That’s all I can say. Speak for urself, people, you deserve it.

I'm a hazard to myself

Here I am, sitting here, typing this pathetic keyboard and drinking a cup of bubble tea from Happy Cup...(Oops!)This is the period I hate DE MOST cuz I know that everyone's facial expression will take a turn everytime a paper is been given out...Still not too bad for me, though...Didn't fail any subject although my History almost hit rock bottom(as USUAL)and quite happy with my english....

I am such a PATHETIC bitch.

Untitled
When the words don’t reach
where the feeling doesn’t end
when things stay inside
that the mouth doesn’t express,
when the soul feels infinite
how can I begin to explain that the blood
in my heart doesn’t stop
It’s held back on the outside
and it stays still
without wings
and they give it words,
words that don’t heal
the loneliness
but they try.
How can I say
that what I want are hands,
arms
and legs
that feel
that feel
the thorns of the way
the morning flowers
and above all your hands
that so many hands touched
and with mine they stayed.
And above all your hair,
your face
and your whole body
How can I say
that what I want is to love you.
You
just you...

Don't Let Me Get Me

Don’t Let Me Get Me-Pink

Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin' right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "you'll be a pop star,
Or you’ll have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin
A day in the life of someone

A boring study day for class 2/10

OK, speaking of the truth, Kah Teng and Yu An have been embarrassed so much today, they ain't talking much...

I just found out during Math that Yu An has FINISHED reading my diaryland, well, at least half of it...Kah Teng said that Yu An read until the entry with the Email he sent to me, then he turned off the computer...LOLZ...I guess he kinda blamed himself for all that has happened...Till now I still can't figure out what I saw in him...just so sad the feeling wasn't mutual...haiz...I really kinda understand why he likes Daphne...her smile...I was too surprised at how sweet a smile she had...I don't know...I just feel guilty and sad whenever I see him...LOLZ...

And Kah Ten...I don't know what to say...I just don't what to say...i feel like such a big bitch, slacker and useless flirt...HAIZ...Now the both of them just refuse to talk and i have nothing to do to make them talk...cuz he may have started liking YY without her knowing and if i tell him, i'll get rejected again, i'll get heartbroken again...I cannot take all this going in my head now...
1.07pm-->Jie is having a headache and the guys are making a hell lot of noise, playing chess in class...I really have no idea the the other gals have against Jie...they just hate her to the core...haiz...one class got 9 girls already got this kind of problem...now some more someone likes Jie...I don't wanna talk about it...

1.33pm-->Just took Jie to the Student Lounge...she has migraine and she refuses to go home...I'm stinking of sweat now...That stinking Mr.Tay...he look so gay people may actually think that he was a womanin his previous life...Ya know what?I think Sherrie actually looks like a dinosaur...Her nostrils actually flares and contracts when she talks...LOLZ...
I think Mr.Tay is not only cock-eye, he's also cock-hand, cock-mouth...Oh, we just taught him how to pronouce 'CHARACTERISTICS'...LOLZ...

"Mr Tay! Violence equals pregnancy!How many times must i tell you that!...PIG!..."

-Sherrie @ 1.50pm
"Awk...Choo!"

-Dingzhi @ 1.54pm
I can clearly see Yu An flirting Shuwen...HAIZ...I really advise Mr Tay to mind where he poke that stick...

"Shut up lah, Kah Teng!"-Chen Wee @ 1.59pm

"Our class is so cool and sophisticated."
-Sherrie @ 2.04pm

flirting with Shuwen again...It's so obvious...I'm not been jealous...just sorry for myself...haiz...life sux...

Wot A Nice Dae...

Haiz...soooo sian...there's a Maths test tomorrow sumore...

When you love someone that much you don’t have to cry when you see him or her, for deep inside your heart you know how much you really love them.

DREAM
For you I was a poet, one night in your arms
with you the night became fire between your legs
and groans of love for your pairies
I loved, love
your whole life
My arms envelop your waist
My hands draw your silhouette,
and my mouth sew embers across your face
that my kisses had left
like water filtering through the earth
the proof of my love melted in your soul
and like sparks that jump out of the fire
I covered you with my kisses.
My stare left you naked,
I took the secret of your soul.

LoLz...

Lolz...finally he talked to me...thought that he would be upset or something like that...I thought that he refused to talk to me because he's angry with me or something like that cuz i dun think that he feels happy about what ever has been happening between the two of us these couple of weeks...and i don't feel very well about it too cuz i'm real embarrassed about my own stupidity...

LaLAz...scolded Chen Wee so many times yesterday...i just dont understand people...how in the world is it possible for me to like Chen Wee?He has such a dull and boring personality, the best thing to do to him is to poke fun of him...LoLz...Shuwen got some acrylic paint on his shirt and he was screaming like a baboon with its tail on fire...he is one anyway...so surprised to find out that he is actually in the NPCC supporting contigent..

Free @ Last!

Hey pple!Finally I feel so unpressurized...HAHAHz...Just read the E-mail below:

Chou Li,
I think i owe a real big explaination.

First the diary:
Today, i was bored at ACC thus went to have a drink. I went to class and see a nice cute blue notebook on your table. I really thought that that was just a book where u write your notes in class(eg.geo, what to bring...). Then i thought i should do what the boys told me at the Mac where u are upset. They told me one of the options was to make u very angry that u will change your views about me. I never touch in any type of such matter before and i quite confused about what to do. I'm sorry. I know that it hurt u. So i took the book to read since if YY or any girl see me do that, they will tell u and u will be angry. I read the first few pages and put it down right away as i found out it was a diary. I knew i will be in deep shit if i read any girl's diary. Then Zhi Rong saw me and he took the book that i left on your table and read it. Ding Zhi saw us and told all of u and all of the girls storm the class.
u and me:

First, i treat u as a good friend that i could trust. i have no "such" feelings for u. The camera thing shows that i trust u more than any one there. I did not know that taking Daphne will hurt u and the picture u took came out blur.

I never knew u like me untill mid march. Kahteng told me that. I took that as a joke and did not bother untill u cried...

Gist:
i'm very sorry that things came out as that. I really don't want a feud between me, u, girls. I hope that we can take that as a thing of the past and move on. Might be hard but remember we have 8 more months at sch. I hope u would be the chou li i know in Jan till march.

Best wishes, FireStorm

I'm really happy about this cuz although he doesn't like me one tinny winny bit,he treats me like a good fren and I'm real proud to have him as a fren...lalalaz...hahaz...

Class 2/10 BBQ-cum-Camp

Juz came back from the class camp. Enjoyed myself so much though i didn't quite get some sleep and i've got a backache today. Grabbed some breakfast before coming home.

I reached school @ about 8.45am on Thursday morning to find no Jie min in sight. We were supposed to meet in school before going to IMM cuz Jie saw this T-shirt from b.u.m which she very well wanted and so we arranged to go early. Meanwhile, sweet Mr. Chin help me put the BBQ stuff into the staff fridge in the staff room. Then we went to IMM and Jie bought so much sweets and tidbits while i feasted on some sushi from the supermarket. Then we went to hang around there because it was 10 o'clock and obviously the shops weren't open. For a fact i ate alot that morning...

Then after getting the T-shirt(it cost $13),we went back to school and i was playing basketball with Pingli and Sherman.Then at about 3.30 we started to gather everyone to set up the things. Then before that we had a game somthing like Counterstrike and the game totally stinks...after that we had a treasure hunt which sucked... We did some preparation and then started the BBQ. After the BBQ, the girls went to take a bath before realising the rest were playing water bombs in the canteen. Just imagine playing water bombs after bathing... So everyone of us got wet...

After the water game, most of us refused to sleep and YY somehow got real fed up with Kah Teng and Yu'An during the water games and she was carrying a black face everywhere she went...

Haven't updated my diary for a damn long time...

Just came back from the St.John camp on Sunday... The camp was quite boring this time... They just made it too relaxing and it eventually turned to boredom... haiz ... Luckily i got to bathe in the camp... The best game is the night maze, although i bruised my knee while at it...

Went out with the guys and gals to get stuff for the BBQ-camp on Thursday... Apparently Yin May shot her mouth off again and she turned black after she realized we started gossiping about her and she wasn't quite happy about it and went home after lunch at KFC... Then YY became very lovesick about KT and she was drifting about the whole while when we were hanging out...

Unappreciated

Feeling so unapprciated... the guys have no idea how to appreciate what we did for them...
Don't say that we didn't wait for them after every basketball match... If they lost, we comforted them. If they won, we congratulated them. But what did we do to deserve such ignorance and cold treatment? Sometimes, I really think that they were just concentrating on the game and thus that did not bother me much. But it just happened, over and over again. I can't stand this anymore. I'm quitting.

YY and i got quite angry with Sher. She was basically flirting with every guy in class. Kenny, Sherman, Liang Yuan and even Kah Teng. How much does she deserve her dear Selwyn?

Big *CENSORED*

Today's a good and bad day for everyone in class 2/10. Miss Loh scolded Sher,Kenny,Xiang Zhi,Zhi Rong and Yu An @ the beginning of English lesson. She then made us complete the ENTIRE Chapter 4 in the workbook.

There wasn't any 2.4km run cuz we begged Mr. Chin to let us play ball games. He's such a nice teacher. Then the new Literature teacher came today and made a big hell fuss about our behavior. Heck! I'm so happy about my marks although the bitch got much betta than anyone did. No one in class likes her, not even the guys. They were damn pissed off by her childish behavior. Just name me a person who can stand her stupid behavior. She just likes everything done HER way and not ours. What betta word can describe her?

Drowning

Drowning
Don't pretend you're sorry
I know you're not
I know you've got the power
To make me weak inside
And girl you leave me breathless
But it's ok
cuz' you are my survival
Now hear me say
I can't imagine
life without your love
And even forever
Don't seem like long enough
Everytime I breathe I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I was swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning in your love
Maybe I'm a drifter
Maybe not
Cuz I am only safety
Of floating freely in your arms
And I don't need another lifeline
It's not for me
It's only you who can save me
Oh, can't you see
I can't imagine
life without your love
And even forever
Don't seem like long enough
Everytime I breathe I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I was swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning in your love
Go on and pull me under
Cover me with dreams, yeah
Love me mouth to mouth now
You know I can't resist
Cuz you're the air that I breathe..